Demons 3 - 6

Demon 3         My Inner Child

By day three my inner rebellious 5-year-old showed up and I enjoyed her.  I felt that this was the true me coming through and I was proud of her kick-ass-bitch attitude.   I decided to ask the teacher. 

An hour is set aside every evening to ask the teacher any questions we might have on our practice.  I joined the queue and waited my turn.  “Is this inner child the true me coming through?”  I asked.  The teacher replied making a small circular motion under her nose with her forefinger. “Focus on the breath,” she said.  Disgusted at her lack of imagination and disappointed I didn’t get the confirmation I was looking for, I left her and went straight to bed.

Demon 4         Judgemental

My sister says I put 'mental' into judgemental. And I do.  I had an opinion on every one of the 39 women and the men I could see and none of it was flattering.

Demon 5         Self-pity 

It's a curse. It usually strikes around 3 o'clock every afternoon when I'm at work.     Thoughts like, "Nobody appreciates me. Nobody listens to me.  I have no friends,” usually leads to me to sneak out to the shop and buying a three Snickers bars to console myself.  I have the dramatic tendency to lose perspective and wallow in self-pity because clearly no one cares about me. 

Demon 6         Boundaries 

On the 10th and last day, we are given permission to speak.   I went berserk.        In the few hours before we were sent home, I talked and laughed for Ireland.  It was as if a  spring of joy came gushing out of me.  I felt magnanimous, powerful and I wanted to shower my goodwill on everybody.  I made a point of introducing myself to the four ladies with whom I had shared a dormitory for the last 10 nights.  I had done three but could not find the fourth.   I went looking for her.  

          I finally came across her in front of the notice board closely examining the schedule.  Without hesitation, I bounced up to her and announced, “I feel like such a slut: I have been sleeping alongside you for the last 10 days and I don’t even know your name.”  The woman turned to me in slow motion and said carefully, “If you don’t mind, I’m in the zone right now and I don’t wish to speak.”      I backed away quickly. 

Two insights slotted into my radioactive brain.  

i) I didn’t take it personally.   I completely understood that this was her journey.   

ii) Just because I am feeling magnanimous and generous with my fabulous personality, not everyone wants to be around me.  At least not in that particular moment.  She is entitled to refuse my company and I found myself able to respect that. 

Later that same day, I was in the dormitory packing to leave when the same lady stood at the doorway clearly distressed, “My lift to Dublin Airport has fallen through.” 

“I’ll take you.” I said. 

She looked at me in disbelief, “You will, are you sure?  Is it out of your way?”

“It is but that’s fine.”

“I’ll find someone else.”

“Ok.” I said and resumed packing. 

Half an hour later she came up to me in the canteen, “I’ll take that lift, if it’s still ok?”

“It’s still ok.”

“Are you sure?”

          All the way to the airport, she talked like she had just taken Speed.  Luckily it was only a 30 minute journey.  As she got out of the car, I asked her name.  She seemed distracted as she frantically wrenched her bags from the back seat of the car.  Her answer was muffled.  I think her name is Michelle.