I'm back.....

Back in the blog and back from Nepal. I did a 10 silent retreat in December right before Christmas - my third - and this time accompanied by my husband.

The retreat was hard. The cold, the food, the lack of comfort and the jet lag all served to make the days yawn long and dull. I did not experience the euphoria on day 5 as I had in my previous two retreats nor did I enjoy the peace that group silence brought me before. I was cold and rebellious.

On day 5 the jet lag still kept me awake at 3am - at least it seemed like 3am I had no clock/phone/watch to tell me what part of the night/morning it was - I lay in the dark and focussed on my breathing. I could not turn on the light as I would disturb my fellow inmate. I could go to the toilet but the thought of shedding clothes kept me clung to my hot water bottle.

The next morning I resolved to break the cycle. I approached the kindliest looking server, "Tomorrow, I will not be at the 4.30 am sitting as I need to break my jet leg, I am not sleeping."  Her sweet Nepalese face looked at me in alarm and she said, "You must tell teacher." Ok I thought and at the first break I took my place in front of the English speaking teacher and doing the polite thing I said, "I'm sleeping very badly so tomorrow, is it ok if I don't come to the morning meditation?"

She looked at me gently and said, "Please come."

Irritated, I said, "No you don't understand. I am telling you, I will not be here tomorrow."

Again smiling, she said, "Please come."

The next morning, I heard the the 4am wake up bell. I snuggled down into my sleeping bag. At 4.20, I heard the 2nd bell. My roommate tugged my mattress and frantically turned on and off the overhead light several times. I stuck out my hand and waved her away, "It's ok, I told the teacher." 

She left.

I drifted back to sleep. Some 20 minutes later, I heard the door to my room being kicked in. It gets stuck and has to be shouldered or kicked open depending on your mood. 

I felt an urgent tugging of the mattress. I shouted, "It's ok, I told the teacher."

The face of one of the three female Nepalese servers, older than the one yesterday and tougher looking, peered over the rim of my sleeping bag and said, "Did she say yes?"

"Well, no."

Putting her hands together into a Namaste pose and smiling sweetly she said, "Please come."

It's hard to argue with politeness.

So I went.